


Toil and Trouble

by obiwamkenobbly (emmykay)



Category: Derry Girls (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:14:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26232529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmykay/pseuds/obiwamkenobbly
Summary: Derry Girls Hogwarts AU.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 23





	Toil and Trouble

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt fic. I enjoyed thinking about it, and so out came this complete nonsense. Let's say Hogwarts had a pilot temporary opening for older kids or something, which subsequently came to an end.

Michelle sat down on the stool, and it took but a second for the sorting hat to cry out, "Slytherin!" She was welcomed among the black and green robes, and she shouted, "Give me some of that booze, motherfuckers!"

Similarly, Clare was declared, "Hufflepuff!" Something of her nervousness must have communicated itself to the other Hufflepuffs. When she sat down, a brawny girl with a closely-shaved head, plaid shirt and hiking boots peeking out from the robe, patted her on the back, with another, her long, curly hair cutely tied up in multiple ribbons, whispered how much she liked Clare's hair and how they were going to have so much fun together.

Orla's Sorting took a surprising amount of time. Finally, the hat said, "Ravenclaw!" The older students clapped and she took her place among them, dreamily.

The hat began to hum as it was placed upon Erin's head.

 _Let's see here,_ the hat hummed.

 _I want to be in a house with one of my friends,_ she thought.

She didn't know what the hat was doing, or how, but it began to hum thoughtfully. _You killed a nun._

"No, I didn't," she snapped. "Well, not alone, anyway. You had to be there." 

_You did that?_

"What?" she asked anxiously. There had been a lot recently.

_With the fish and chips shop?_

"It wasn't all my fault!" At her shout, the rest of the student body looked on in concern. _We did try to clean up the clean up,_ She thought back, defensively. _It just didn't work out._

There were murmurs among the teachers at the head table. "Hat stall."

Oh god, Erin thought. Whatever that was, it sounded terrible, Like she was in trouble. So much trouble.

The hat continued to chortle. _You really did that thing with the dog piss, and the church_ it said to her.

"Again," she said, trying to control her breathing if not her temper, "that had nothing to do with me. We just took, uh, advantage, of the circumstances. Anyway, think about my horror about my dog!"

_Ms De Brun._

"Oh, no. Put that one somewhere else," she argued.

 _But the Child of Prague,_ the hat argued. 

Shit, she thought. The hat had her. On and on, the hat went listing the events of her life, and how she manouevered through them. It happened, yes, but it all turned out fine, didn't it?

Finally, the hat made a sound like clearing a throat.

"We can't take this one," the hat said, its voice loud and clear in the space of the Great Hall. "And I take back all of the other houses as well. Take them back to Derry. We can't handle this."

"What?" Michelle stood up. "I finally get into a place where sneaking and booze are okay and there is a real lack of supervision for some of these absolute rides and I have to leave?"

Clare said, "No, Erin. I belong here." She pleaded, her eyes large and damp, "You don't understand how much I want to be here."

Orla shook her head. "Erin. Erin. What's good for all of us? Being here."

The hat was adamant. Erin had potential, but it wasn't enough. There was an uproar, arrangements had to be made, this had never happened in the history of the school, parents were going to get involved.

"Fine," Erin said, standing up. She tossed her hair defiantly. "I didn't want to come anyway. And we're leaving and we're going to start our own magical school."

"Fine," James said, rising from his seat. "We're leaving!"

"You haven't even been sorted yet," one of the teachers said to him. "You absolutely can leave."

As silence descended upon the Great Hall, Erin looked meaningfully at her friends. "Come on," she said.

Orla, Clare, and Michelle started to move away from their places along the long tables. 

"I guess we're leaving," Clare said to the girls around her. 

"I'm sorry," the girl with the curly hair said to her. "You can write me care of Hogwarts. Do you have an owl?"

One of the Slytherin prefects slid a bottle out of his sleeve and slipped it over to Michelle. None of the teachers acted like they saw.

A misty-eyed student in blue and silver handed Orla a hairband that had whirling balls spinning above it. "Remember us."

As James, Orla, Clare, Michelle, and Erin left the hall to await a special train that would take them all to a hastily conscripted magic boat to Northern Ireland, Dumbledore sighed. "I bet that boy would have been a fine Gryffindor. A brave lad, to be so young and yet so gay."

"I'm not gay!" James cried.


End file.
